I think it just hit me that my mom's really sick. I know I have to but staying positive is probably the hardest thing to do right now (I was never positive to start with). 

Analogy

Your stomach whines silently, pleading you to end your gluttony but you don't stop. You continue shoving more carbohydrates down your throat and you tell yourself that it'll only make you feel better. But you know you're wrong. Your stomach curses you for sinning. And it isn't too long before you regret. 

While you're hunched over a basin, feeling sick in your head- o to hell with that, you feel sick all over. That's when your brain starts working again and it sends furious nerve impulses to your limbs, like petty, useless phone calls to complain about the a mistake in a bill calculation. But unlike that bill you can't undo the number you've input. It's scribbled down all over the walls of your mind in dark permanent ink. Regret would be an understatement. How did you stoop so low. 

You can bask in the temporary joy that it sheds and it's fine. It's frivolous but it's damn fine. Why? Because you need it. You crave it and you feed (in this context, literally) on this need of the other. It's the irresistible shot of vodka you cannot not take, it's the nicotine in a cigarette and soon, it becomes cocaine in your blood. It doesn't mean a thing. You merely choose to believe that it does just to get yourself through another 24 hours. You do it to make yourself believe that everything is worthwhile. 

And you'd totally do it again. 

Save the tigers and sign up for our run

♫

Things that feel good:

Music. The right kind of music that propels you to move, to feel, to engage. And right now Bastille is really fulfilling that purpose. Thank you, Bastille. Shh don't tell anyone I just said this. Ayana would blame me for spoiling more of her "things" ("Bastille used to be an Ayana things *pout*." Kk qtp.)

Warm mug of milo + oats after a long, unsurprisingly draining day of school. 

Things that are not normal:

That jolt of shallow excitement, deliberate arrangements. The temporary nuzzling of light-headed emptiness, like a drug and the strings that a drug would pull.

Who's the sweetest

He said he doesn't want people to know but I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway. 

Sharp

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.”

I am going to sleep at 8.30 tonight. Or 9. Probably 9. Ok fine, 9. I promise. Hehe.

And the last time I had a good laugh would be the day Ayana brought chocolates to school. The day with cocoa. And hilarious company in the canteen. I was laughing so hard that my stomach ached for the longest time and it hurt so badly I was choking on laughter haha. Then I received a text from Jovin (sitting at the other end of the canteen), informing me that I looked like the laughing emojit. I didn't have a mirror but I I couldn't disagree. 

I baked really ugly muffins. 

Shit (II)

HOPEFULLY SCHOOL NEXT WEEK WILL BE THE BREEZE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. (assuming that intensity levels are proportionate to the no. of days)

But that's not my point here. 

I'm not slacking, I promise. I was doing math, just about to start on the MOD tutorial (which I have no clue about). But I scrolled pass my cousin's whatsapp on my contacts and got a glimpse of her whatsapp status. It puzzled me a bit so I stopped and scrolled back. Read through it twice and thought "why on Earth would my tiny cousin use these lyrics as her whatsapp status.". 

Then I realised that my "tiny" cousin wasn't that tiny anymore. She's 14. How did she turn 14. I still remember how I placed my head against her mother's inflated belly (womb, to be exact) to hear my cousin's heartbeat. I still remember trying to teach this little 5 year old how to spell "children". I still remember her fatally annoying attachment to this one teddy bear she name "brownie". I still remember asking my mother if the girl would know what "divorce" meant. And now she's 14. Belting out lyrics to odd songs.

I don't remember being 14 because it just hit me- 14 was a long time ago. A very long time ago. 

opaque

Shit (I)

(as far as my swears get)

Some context; I'm in 2nd home, 1st table from the back, left chair. Tired of trying to comprehend the squiggly lines printed on the ionic equilibria notes, looking through my Instagram photos.

So much time has passed since one year ago. It's five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes condensed into 5 seconds of my memory. Everything from pre-August 2012 feels like a different life. It's such a distant and grainy memory that doesn't feel like my own. Post-August feels more recent. Post-August 2012 is a reminder of how fast time flies because between August 2012 and August 2013, so many changes took place. In my life, at least. Not yours. Or maybe yours too but this is about me (sounding selfish here lol). 

This photo speaks so much. Not because of the quote haha that helps give it a voice but if the photo were mute it'd still be able to leave us a message. This photo is personal. It's the shortest summary of what goes through my head everyday, it's the chromosome to the nucleotides. But this photo is personal. And this photo is beautiful too haha but that's just a bonus.

Food

Ok the thing about food is. 

1. Food brings people together. You don't just eat with people you don't care about. You eat with people you want to spend more time with, with people you'd like to socialize with. 

2. You don't just cook for anyone. You don't just buy anyone food. When you cook for someone/but food whatever, you want to make sure that that person eats idk it's a v thoughtful action. An unconscious one. You don't do certain things for people you don't care about and feeding them (whether they are capable of feeding themselves or not) is one of them. Because to put it in the simplest manner imaginable, food is about survival. So when you give someone food it's technically saying "here man, live." Or if they are already living well enough it's a "here man, I'm damn glad you're living pls keep living." 

3. Food is personal. People have favourite foods and food they dislike. They define people they divide the large term "people" into individuals they bring out differences. And when these differences are remembered ("o I remember you love chocolate"/"i know you don't eat fried food" it's just. Wow thanks for remembering. And when you remember, you get personal with the other individual it's like some blatant but hidden connection wah deep shit.